badly_knitted (badly_knitted) wrote,

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Ficlet: Squelch

Title: Squelch
Author: badly_knitted
Characters: Ianto, Tosh, Owen.
Rating: G
Spoilers: Nada
Summary: Despite Tosh's best efforts, Torchwood Three’s security systems are refusing to recognise Ianto.
Word Count: 500
Written For: Prompt 18: Intruder at anythingdrabble.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood, or the characters.

The Hub’s intruder alarms were going off. Again. They were designed to alert the team to anyone entering the secret underground base who wasn’t one of them, which was great when aliens managed to sneak in, which they did occasionally. The problems started when the sensors failed to recognise authorised personnel for one reason or another.

“I’m sorry, Ianto!” Tosh shouted over the din, tapping at her computer to turn the strident noise off. “It just doesn’t recognise you!”

“It’s fine, Tosh,” Ianto replied, the words somewhat mushy but still intelligible. “I don’t recognise myself, so why should a machine?”

“I’m trying to recalibrate it so it’ll accept you… like that, but it keeps refusing to accept having two very different entities under the same designation.”

“So give this me a different designation, as if I’m a new team member.”

Tosh paused in her frantic typing and looked up at him. “I never even thought of that! I’ve been so focussed on trying to make the security systems accept you as you… You’re right though, that should work. Hold on a minute…” She opened a new window and started typing again, filling in a description, taking an image from the CCTV, then calling for Owen to come take fingerprints, such as they were, DNA and blood samples, and a retinal scan to enter into the system. “You’ll need a different name, just so the recognition software can assign an official identity to you.”

“Call ‘im Squelch,” Owen suggested. “’Cause he does.”

“Owen!” Tosh glared at her colleague. “Don’t be so mean!”

“He’s right though, I do, and it’s as good a name as any. It’s not like anyone will be calling me that; it’s just for your security files.”

“I suppose, but I was thinking more along the lines of Idris, or Ieuan, or… I don’t know, Gareth. Something human anyway.”

“Gareth’s my middle name,” Ianto pointed out.

“Is it? I didn’t know that. It’s not listed in your file.” Tosh pulled up Ianto’s employment file.

Ianto shrugged, or at least Tosh assumed it was meant to be a shrug. “I don’t use it much, and Torchwood One only asked for first and last names, so… Doesn’t matter, does it?”

“I suppose not.”

“So list this me as Gareth Squelch.”

“Are you sure?” Tosh still looked dubious.


“Well, alright then.” Tosh filled in the rest of the employment details, including the Hub as Mr Squelch’s home address. “There. Gareth Squelch is now an official employee of Torchwood Three, complete with security clearance. You should be able to move around the Hub without triggering the intruder alarms now.”

“That’s good to know,” Ianto said with a burbling sigh. “Now maybe I can get on with some work. After I have a quick dip in the Rift pool. I’m starting to feel a bit dry.”

“I’ll work on turning you back into yourself again,” Tosh said as Ianto squelched away.

“I’d appreciate that.”

Resembling the Creature from the Black Lagoon sucked.

The End

Tags: anythingdrabble, fic, fic: g, fic: one-shot, ianto jones, owen harper, torchwood fic, toshiko sato

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