Characters: Jack, Ianto
Summary: Jack and Ianto disagree over the nature of a certain item Jack’s found in the archives.
Word Count: 650
Written For: Little Special 54: Alphabet Stories at fffc. My starting letter was ‘N’.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood, or the characters. They belong to the BBC.
“No, Jack; how many times do I have to say it?”
“Oh, come on, Ianto! Please?”
“Quit your whining. Rules exist for a reason.”
“Shouldn’t I be the one to make the rules? That’s usually the boss’s prerogative, and last time I checked I was the one in charge around here.”
“Usually you’d be right,” Ianto conceded, “except that you put me in charge of the archives and told me I had final say in all things relating to what’s stored down here; rule number one is that we don’t play with the things that fall through the Rift unless we’re one hundred percent sure it’s safe to do so.”
“Vibrators and other sex toys…” Jack started to say, but Ianto cut him off mid-sentence.
“Which that isn’t, and don’t give me that look; you know I’m right. X-Rays prove whatever that thing is, it’s definitely not any kind of sex toy.”
“You could be wrong, you’re not infallible!”
“Zap it yourself if you don’t believe me; you’ll get the same results I did.”
“And if I get different results, if I can prove it is what I say it is, then will you let me add it to our toy box?”
“By all means, just as long as you promise it will never come anywhere near any part of my anatomy, because I’m right about that thing and you’re wrong.”
“Care to make a wager?”
“Do I get to set the terms? Every time I let you do it, you cheat.”
“Fine; if that’s what it takes to make you happy, you just go right ahead.”
“Gallant of you. How about this? If you’re right, and I mean unequivocally right, I’ll let you use that thing on me, but if I’m right, in future you’ll abide by all my decisions regarding the unidentified items stored down here.”
Jack gave the matter due consideration, frowning in thought. Keeping a tight hold on his prize, he nodded and offered his free had to Ianto to shake, sealing the deal. “Let me run some scans and tests on it, and then we’ll see who’s right and who’s wrong. May the best man win.”
“Not a sex toy?” Ianto asked a while later, looking over Jack’s shoulder at the scan results, a rather un-sportsmanlike smug smirk on his lips.
“Obviously not,” Jack sighed regretfully. “Pity; I was looking forward to trying it out.”
“Quite relieved myself,” Ianto admitted. “Reckless experimentation with uncertainly identified alien technology isn’t really my thing; I prefer to keep all my parts attached and intact.”
Sadly Jack handed the cylindrical piece of tech back to Ianto, to be returned to the archives.
“Thank you, Jack, I’ll make sure it gets stored away safely, and I’ll even stick a label on it for future reference. Unknown alien device that definitely isn’t a sex toy.”
“Very funny; you don’t have to rub it in,” Jack muttered sourly.
“Well, if you will keep insisting you recognise things even when all the evidence says you’re wrong…” Ianto said airily. “X-rays don’t lie.”
“Zip it!” Jack snapped.
“Ah, did I touch a sore spot there? Because if I did…”
“Care to make it up to me?”
“Do you really need to ask?” Eyes twinkling with amusement, Ianto raised a graceful eyebrow. “Fun as proving you wrong has been, I can think of a few activities that would prove even more enjoyable.”
“Glad to hear it,” Jack grinned. “How about you go put that thing someplace safe and then join me in my bunker?”
“I believe I could be persuaded.”
Jack grinned brightly; nothing kept him down for long, especially when Ianto was looking at him that way.
“Keep everything warm for me; I’ll be right back,” Ianto said with a wink. Laughing, he headed towards the archives to stow the piece of tech. Maybe now Jack would finally accept that Ianto Jones knows everything.