badly_knitted (badly_knitted) wrote,

FAKE Ficlet: Coming Out Fears

Title: Coming Out Fears
Fandom: FAKE
Author: badly_knitted
Characters: Ryo, Dee
Rating: PG
Setting: Just before Vol. 7.
Summary: Ryo can no longer hide the truth from himself; he’s gay, but what is he going to do about it?
Word Count: 500
Written For: Prompt 505: Anxiety at slashthedrabble.
Disclaimer: I don’t own FAKE, or the characters. They belong to the wonderful Sanami Matoh.

Ryo had never really imagined it coming to this. Years of repressing his sexuality were coming to a head; he felt as if he was being swept along by a tidal wave, utterly helpless to escape or change course. Normally he was a pretty calm, levelheaded guy, but now he was plagued with anxiety. He was a cop; he’d seen so many hate crimes inflicted on people because of their sexuality, so much discrimination, prejudice, bigotry, and intolerance. He’d never wanted to open himself up to that kind of treatment, had tried so hard to fit in, to be just another straight guy in a world where heterosexual relationships were the norm, but he was losing the battle.

Always before he’d been able to push the truth to a tiny corner in the back of his mind, where it could be easily ignored, but not anymore. Damn Dee for being so persistent, for chipping away so inexorably at the walls Ryo had built so carefully to protect himself. They were crumbling faster and faster with every day he spent in his work partner’s company, and yet if he said he wished he’d never met Dee Laytner he’d be lying.

Dee was more than his partner, more than his best friend; he was everything. Out of all the people Ryo had ever met, Dee was the one who held the key to his heart. ‘I’m falling in love with him, or maybe I’ve already fallen. How could I not? When he kisses me, I feel it right down to my toes. It’s like I’m floating on air and at the same time I feel like I’m drowning, like I can’t get my breath, and so I panic, push him away, tell him I’m not interested. But he knows. I can’t hide from him; he sees into my heart, and right through to my soul. He knows who and what I am better than I do.’ That was a scary thought.

‘I can’t deny it any longer. I’m attracted to men. I’m gay. I’m in love with the guy I work with. I want him, but I’m scared. I’ve never been with a man before. No other man has ever kissed me; only Dee.’

So now what? Accepting his sexuality was the first step. Admitting it to someone else would be the second, but could he do that? Just considering it made his anxiety levels rise. Why did it have to be so hard? Besides, who could he talk to about it? Not Dee, not yet. As much as Ryo wanted his partner he wasn’t quite ready to take than final, irrevocable step.

Dee would be happy, Ryo was sure of that much, but once he knew… He wouldn’t be satisfied with kisses, he’d want more, and even though Ryo was reasonably certain he wanted that too… Could you have first night nerves in advance?

Ryo breathed deeply, calming himself. Once people knew, everything would change. One question remained.

‘Am I ready?’

The End

Tags: dee laytner, fake, fake fic, fic, fic: one-shot, fic: pg, ficlet, ryo maclean, slashthedrabble

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