Characters: Ryo, Dee, OCs.
Setting: After the manga.
Summary: Ryo tries to make sense of what’s happened but it just hurts too much.
Word Count: 727
Written For: Challenge 15: The Police Song Titles at ficlet_zone, using ‘Driven to Tears’.
Disclaimer: I don’t own FAKE, or the characters. They belong to the wonderful Sanami Matoh.
‘It should’ve been me…’
It was as if the words were playing on a loop inside Ryo’s head, round and round, over and over, relentlessly, like Bikky’s hamster on its wheel, getting him nowhere until…
Just for a moment, he thought he heard Dee’s voice. “Don’t be an idiot, babe; if one of us had to go, better it should be me. You’ve got the kid to take care of. He’s already lost one set of parents; wouldn’t do for him to lose you as well. Then what would happen to him?”
Even though he knew Dee wasn’t there, couldn’t be speaking to him, the voice inside his head broke him out of his self-recrimination enough to admit the truth behind the words. As much as he might want to just give up, lie down beside his lover and never get up again, he still had responsibilities, people who were depending on him. With that realisation, his train of thought shifted onto a new and equally painful track… What was he going to tell Bikky? He and Dee had never gotten along, they were too much alike and both always vying for Ryo’s attention, but the boy had still looked up to Dee, even respected him in his own way.
It wasn’t just Bikky either. What was he going to tell Mother? Dee was her son, more than any other child she’d raised, and he was always helping her out in any way he could. And what about all Dee’s friends back at the precinct? What would he tell them? They knew the dangers of the job as well as Ryo did, so maybe they wouldn’t be too hard on him for letting Dee down, maybe they’d even find it in their hearts to forgive him eventually, but would JJ? He loved Dee too, even if his feelings weren’t returned.
No, Ryo decided, JJ wouldn’t forgive him. ‘He’s going to hate me, but that’s okay. I deserve it. I wasn’t there when Dee needed me and now he’s…’ He couldn’t bring himself to even think the word; if he did he might shatter completely, it was more than he could bear. How could he feel so numb and yet ache so badly inside, like his heart was being ripped to shreds? His face felt wet and he wondered when it had started raining.
His heart like a leaden weight inside his chest, his mind still whirling out of control, Ryo stared blankly ahead; gradually what he was seeing began to register. The paramedics were loading Dee into a body bag and Ryo wanted to tell them not to, that it was too much, too final, but he couldn’t seem to speak. Slowly he blinked his eyes and a warm droplet hit his hand, making patterns in the blood smeared there. Oh. Not rain but tears; he was crying silently. Dee always hated it when he cried, mostly because he always thought he must somehow be to blame, but he never was. It wasn’t Dee’s fault this time either; Ryo was just hurting too much right now to keep all the pain inside. He blamed himself, and the bastard they’d been chasing, but not Dee, never Dee.
Hands were pulling at him again, dragging him to his feet, but he made no attempt to resist. Distantly he could hear someone saying something about shock but he wasn’t sure who it was or who they were talking about. It didn’t matter anyway; nothing mattered anymore so he just went where he was led, sat in the back of the ambulance, staring at the body bag. Part of him wanted to tear it open so Dee could breathe, so he could see his lover’s face, but the rest of him screamed NO, because that wasn’t Dee in there, not anymore; it was just an empty shell. He’d never see Dee again, never see his smile, hear him laugh, feel his touch, taste his kiss… Another fissure cracked open in Ryo’s already shattered heart and the tears just kept on falling onto his bloodstained hands, trying in vain to wash them clean. Dee’s blood was on his hands, and no amount of tears or soap and water would ever change that, or bring Dee back.
The most important person in Ryo’s life was gone and nothing would ever be the same.