Characters: Dee, Ryo, Melinda.
Setting: After Vol. 7.
Summary: Ryo and Dee have a massive fight and Ryo storms out. Is this the end of their relationship?
Word Count: 2337
Written For: m_findlow’s prompt ‘Any, any, “Go to hell!”,’ at fic_promptly. Remix of my own fill 'Is It Over?'.
Disclaimer: I don’t own FAKE, or the characters. They belong to the wonderful Sanami Matoh.
They’d had fights before, even the strongest, most committed relationship was bound to have its ups and downs, it was only natural, but they’d never fought like this before, yelling and screaming themselves hoarse. The walls here weren’t as thin as the ones in Ryo’s building, but Dee was still willing to bet his neighbour had heard every hurtful word they’d hurled at each other. Come to that, people passing by on the street four floors below probably would’ve heard too, even with the windows closed. It didn’t matter now; they’d finally run out of steam, thankfully without coming to blows, and now Dee just felt an awful, sinking dread in the pit of his stomach.
He knew he should say something, apologise, tell Ryo he hadn’t meant any of it, but he couldn’t speak, could barely even draw breath as his lover turned away, heading for the door, his final words tossed carelessly back over his shoulder, spat in a harsh, bitter tone Dee scarcely recognised.
“Go to Hell!”
The door opened and Ryo passed through, slamming it so hard behind him the whole wall seemed to shake. Dee just stood where he was as if frozen to the spot, numb and empty inside. How had this happened? How had everything gone so wrong? He’d pursued the man of his dreams for years, never so much as looking at anyone else, had rejoiced when Ryo had at last returned his feelings. Life had never been better and he’d been sure that Ryo felt the same way, but now his world was crashing down around him, all because he was a hot-headed idiot who’d never leaned when to shut up.
Despair filled him. He couldn’t remember what had started the fight; he only knew that all his old frustrations and grievances had come spilling out. He’d held nothing back, saying whatever came into his head, regardless of whether or not it was true, anything that might hurt Ryo as much as Ryo’s words were hurting him. He’d been determined that Ryo would be the one to back down and apologise, then he’d forgive his lover and everything would be okay again, only he’d reckoned without his normally mild-mannered partner’s fiery temper, and now… Was that it? Were they through? Had he just thrown away the best thing in his life over some stupid argument? It sure felt that way.
Maybe it wasn’t too late. A surge of adrenaline freed Dee from his paralysis and he ran to the window, flinging it open just in time to see Ryo’s car driving away. Damn it! Why had he waited so long? Maybe if he called Ryo’s cell right now… No, he wouldn’t answer, not while he was driving, and if Dee gave him time to get home and then phoned… His partner probably wouldn’t answer then either, not once he checked caller id. Should he drive over to Ryo’s place himself, apologise to the man he loved and beg for forgiveness? Would that do any good?
Dee shook his head. No, he couldn’t do that. He was genuinely sorry about the fight, regretted the things he’d said in the heat of the moment, the ones he could remember at least, but what Ryo had said to him had been just as hurtful. It still stung too much for him to just shrug off his lover’s harsh words, especially since a lot of them had struck home. Truth was seldom easy to hear.
Dee knew he could be selfish and demanding, that he got sulky if he wanted sex and Ryo brushed off his advances, too tired or not in the mood. He didn’t pull his weight at work when it came to the paperwork, and he was guilty of taking advantage of Ryo’s good nature, inviting himself over and expecting to be fed. He flirted a lot too, mostly because it had become a habit over the years and he liked the attention. Then again, nobody at work was supposed to know he and Ryo were in a relationship and if Dee suddenly stopped flirting it might look suspicious… Maybe he should have explained that to Ryo instead of just getting defensive whenever it was mentioned. It went both ways though; they could both do with improving their communication skills. If they’d been better at talking about stuff, maybe the fight could’ve been avoided.
Unsure whether he could keep his temper if he confronted Ryo at the moment, Dee threw himself down on his sofa, deciding they both needed time to calm down. They were working the same shift tomorrow so he’d get Ryo alone at some point and apologise to him then, try to salvage their relationship, if there was anything left to be salvaged. For now he just needed a beer and a smoke. He knew from past experience it was no use trying to think things through until his temper had a chance to cool off.
He spent the whole evening stewing over what had happened, then lay awake deep into the night, going over and over the fight in his head; what he’d said, what Ryo had said, trying to understand how it had gone from a normal argument to what felt like the end of his world. Had there been any moment when he could have said or done something to prevent it from spiralling so completely out of control? Yeah, in fact there’d been plenty; he could’ve just kept his mouth shut, or swallowed his stupid pride and apologised, told Ryo to pay no attention to what he’d said, that he was just venting.
Ryo could’ve apologised too, but he hadn’t, or maybe he’d tried and Dee just hadn’t been listening, too busy trying to be the one who had the last word…
Finally he fell into a troubled sleep filled with nightmares that left him feeing chilled and shaky even though he could never remember afterwards what they’d been about. He lost count of how many times he jerked awake struggling with the bed covers, confused and disoriented, only to fall back into his dreams the moment he closed his eyes again, and when his alarm clock went off a few hours later he felt as if he’d barely slept at all.
Taking a shower woke him up a little, but his head ached and he had no appetite. He downed a cup of coffee and a couple of painkillers before heading off to work, hoping Ryo would be early too; he usually was.
Not today though, and when shift started and there was still no sign of his partner, Dee poked his head into the Chief’s office, only to be told that Ryo had called in earlier and asked to take a personal day something he almost never did. That was bad; Dee’s worst fears, the ones he’d ruthlessly repressed since the fight, reared their ugly heads once more. If Ryo was avoiding him… They were partners and best friends as well as lovers, or they had been until last night. Had he pushed Ryo away to such an extent his partner no longer felt able to work with him? Would he request a different partner, or worse, a transfer to another precinct?
The pain in Dee’s chest was so bad that for a moment he wondered if he was having a heart attack, but it was just his heart breaking into pieces. Ryo was a part of him now; the best part if he was being totally honest. How could he function, never mind live, without the love of his life beside him?
He couldn’t concentrate on work and in the end told the Chief he had a migraine and was taking a half-day. The Chief didn’t argue; things were pretty quiet.
Dee didn’t go home though; he took himself straight over to Ryo’s place and knocked on his partner’s door. Ryo’s neighbour Melinda stuck her head out of her own apartment and scowled at him, which was nothing unusual; she didn’t particularly like him anyway, but today she seemed even more hostile than usual.
“Randy doesn’t want to speak to you,” she snapped. “Why don’t you just go away and leave him alone?”
“I can’t.” Head bowed, Dee scuffed at the floor with one foot, ashamed and guilty. “I don’t blame him for bein’ mad at me, I deserve it, I said some awful things last night, I just… I don’t know what happened. We’ve had arguments before, but nothin’ like that. I don’t even remember what started it; we were talkin’ about work or somethin’ and the next minute we were yellin’ at each other and… I just really need to talk to him.” His shoulders sagged as if he was carrying the weight of the world on them. Maybe he was; he felt so damned tired and defeated. “I have to tell him I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt him, that’s the last thing I wanted.”
“I’m sorry too.” The voice was barely audible, but Dee still heard and turned to face Ryo, who was standing in his open doorway. He looked exhausted, like he hadn’t slept a wink; unshaven, dark smudges under his eyes, his hair in disarray, yet to Dee he was still breathtakingly gorgeous.
“Ryo.” Dee’s heart ached just looking at him.
“I guess you’d better come in.” Ryo went back inside, leaving the door open.
Dee nodded. “Thanks.” He followed Ryo into the apartment, closing the door behind him, and then just stood there, staring at his partner, not sure what to do next. Before he could make up his mind, Ryo spoke.
“I shouldn’t have just walked out last night, I was just so angry I was scared I might hit you. All those things you were saying…” He trailed off, biting his lip.
“Maybe you should’ve punched my lights out; might’a knocked some sense into me. You have to know I didn’t mean any of the things I said; don’t even know why I said them, I was just lashing out…”
“You wanted to hurt me…”
“Yes! No!” Dee shook his head, frustrated. “I don’t want to hurt you, not ever, but there was nobody else there and I was angry, only now I don’t remember why. I… before you stormed out I wanted to say I was sorry, but I couldn’t get the words out. I felt like I was stuck in a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from, but… I am sorry, and I’m not just sayin’ that, I really mean it. I’m such an ass.”
“Seems there’s a lot of that going around,” Ryo said tiredly, shoving his hands through his hair.
Dee took in Ryo’s obvious exhaustion, worry gnawing at him. “Did you sleep at all last night?”
“Not much. You?”
“Couple hours maybe, not that it did any good. Went to work early hopin’ to talk to you, only you didn’t show… Chief said you took a personal day.”
“Had to, no way I was gonna be able to concentrate and… I wasn’t sure you’d want to see me after everything I said. Wasn’t sure I wanted to see you for that matter. Not after--”
“I always want to see you, no matter what,” Dee said seriously. “I don’t care how mad you get at me, or how much you yell at me; well, that’s not exactly true, I do care, but I’ll take whatever you throw at me, and I probably deserve most of it anyway, I just don’t ever want to be without you. I love you, Ryo; if I lost you, I’m not sure I’d survive.” It was quite possibly the most honest he’d ever been to anyone.
“I don’t want to lose you either, and I don’t want to feel like…” Ryo waved one hand vaguely, unable to put how he was feeling into words. “This. It hurts.”
Dee closed the distance between them, wrapping Ryo in his arms, trembling slightly. Even an hour ago he’d been wondering if he’d ever get to hold his baby again. “I hate that I’m the reason you feel so bad. I’d take it all back if I could, only I don’t remember most of it. You okay?”
Ryo’s arms snaked around Dee’s waist and some of the tension went out of him. “Getting there. You’re not still mad at me?”
“I’m not even sure it was you I was mad at in the first place, you just happened to be there.” Dee pressed a kiss into Ryo’s hair.
“All those things you said…”
“And the things you said to me. Look, there must’ve been some degree of truth there or it wouldn’t have hurt so much, but maybe if we work on our communication skills and stop bottlin’ stuff up, learn to talk things through…”
Ryo’s head was nodding against Dee’s shoulder. “Talking, right. Gotta remember we’re not mind readers.” The last was mumbled through a massive yawn. Dee joined in.
“Look at us; practically asleep on our feet,” he chuckled.
“Yeah. You want to crash here, grab a few hours sleep? Bikky’s staying over at Carol’s tonight. Or do you have to get back to work?”
“I took the afternoon off. Technically I took the mornin’ off too ‘cause I didn’t get anything done while I was at work. Sleep sounds good; we could both use it.”
“Are we okay?”
“Looks that way. If we can survive a fight like that, I’m pretty sure we can survive anything.”
“I do love you, Dee; getting mad at you doesn’t change that.”
“Good to know. C’mon, sleep now; we can talk later, when we can think straight.”
They didn’t bother getting undressed just fell onto Ryo’s bed and snuggled up together. Dee’s last thought before he fell asleep was that he would do whatever it took to keep this man by his side for the rest of their lives, because without him life wasn’t worth living. He could only hope Ryo felt the same.