badly_knitted (badly_knitted) wrote,

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FAKE Ficlet: Self-Disgust

Title: Self-Disgust
Fandom: FAKE
Author: badly_knitted
Characters: Dee, Ryo.
Rating: PG-13
Setting: Vol. 5, Act 14.
Summary: Dee is disgusted with himself, not just for hitting Ryo but for being tempted to take what Ryo offered even though he knew his partner wasn’t thinking straight.
Word Count: 500
Written For: Prompt 609: Monster at slashthedrabble.
Disclaimer: I don’t own FAKE, or the characters. They belong to the wonderful Sanami Matoh.

Crawling into bed, Dee flopped onto his stomach, feeling like the worst kind of monster. He’d hit Ryo, slapped him really, but it was still something he’d never wanted to do. He knew he hadn’t had much choice; Ryo had needed a short, sharp shock to bring him to his senses, but as he’d backhanded the man he loved across the face all the domestic abuse cases he’d ever investigated flashed through his mind.

‘Am I any better than those bastards, the ones who beat up people they claim to love, telling them it’s for their own good?’

Ryo had been out of his head, messed up from learning the truth about his parents’ death ten years ago. Desperate to take revenge on one of the men responsible, yet unable to go against his own nature and break the law by killing an unarmed man, something inside him had broken, and he’d all but thrown himself at Dee, offering his body, to use however Dee wanted.

“If you do it to me now, I wouldn’t care at all.”

And Dee wanted Ryo, so badly he could taste it. Wanted to take his partner in his arms and show him just how much he loved him. The urge to go ahead and do it had been all but overwhelming, but if he’d given in to desire, taken Ryo’s words as consent, it would have destroyed everything Dee was trying to build between them. The trust and friendship would be gone, leaving nothing but disgust and shame, so instead he’d hit the man he’d hoped would someday return his love.

How much of that had been the need to snap Ryo out of his weird mood and how much had been raw anger, striking out because he couldn’t stand to be patronised that way?

Ryo deserved better from him, but hell, didn’t he deserve better too? Maybe not, after the way he’d just reacted. He wouldn’t blame Ryo if he just up and left, but of course he didn’t, just trailed back into the bedroom, freshly showered, and dressed in borrowed pyjamas, looking lost and vulnerable. Somehow that just made Dee feel even more annoyed, although mostly with himself. Dammit, he still wanted Ryo, and even now, after everything that had happened, it wouldn’t take much for him to… What? Pounce on his partner and take what he wanted?

‘Yeah, what a hero I am.’ Instead, as Ryo got into bed beside him Dee turned his attention back to the magazine he was pretending to read.

Ryo thought him so noble, but he didn’t, couldn’t, know how much it had cost Dee to push him away earlier. Just to prove a point, Dee pounced, and as he’d expected, Ryo freaked. Now he was thinking straight again, sex was firmly off the table. He wasn’t ready, no surprise there.

‘Monster, definitely, ‘cause if Bikky hadn’t shown up when he did, I really might’ve done something we’d both regret. Guess I’ll haveta keep waitin’.’

The End

Tags: dee laytner, fake, fake fic, fic, fic: one-shot, fic: pg-13, ficlet, ryo maclean, slashthedrabble

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