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December 2023



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Quadruple Drabble: Snickered

Title: Snickered

Author: badly_knitted

Characters: Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Owen & Tosh

Rating: G

Spoilers: Nada.

Warning: Weird ideas. Eating or drinking while reading is not advised.

Summary: Jack has to head to the rescue when the rest of the team find themselves in a sticky situation.

Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood, or the characters.

A/N: This one is entirely the fault of missthingsplace, who happened to mention that the word Snickered made her think that someone was attacked by a Snickers bar… Of course, my brain just had to take that thought and run with it. So, here it is – a quadruple drabble.

The team had headed to the shops, investigating a Rift alert. Jack had followed soon after, listening on comms. as he drove. The sounds he heard were disturbing.

“What the Hell’s happening?”

Ianto’s voice came through clearly.

“The chocolate is revolting!”

“Why? What's wrong with it?”

“It's revolting! Gwen's under attack by a horde of Snickers Bars, Owen is trying to fend off the Curly Wurlies, Tosh is in a pitched battle with some Twix... They’re twice the trouble!”

“What about you?”

“Aero is not as light and fluffy as you might think!”

“I’m on my way!”

“You’d better hurry!”


When Jack arrived, joining the fray, he found himself pelted by a hail of Maltesers, so ducked to safety behind a nearby shelf. He had a feeling his trusty Webley would be useless in this situation. Ianto crawled over to join him. He had chocolate smeared all over his face. Jack resisted the temptation to lick it off. Now was not the time.

“Any idea what’s causing this?” he asked as Ianto swung a French stick like a baseball bat, sending a small army of chocolate bars flying across the shop to collide with the wall.

“Alien tech, what else?”


It had been a stupid question, Jack reflected. When it came down to it, alien tech was behind most of Torchwood’s more unusual problems. Whatever fell through the Rift had apparently animated everything containing chocolate, and the sweet treats clearly weren’t too happy with humans.

Jack couldn’t remember ever being bitten by a Yorkie before. Not the chocolate kind anyway. He stamped on the chocolate bar in retaliation then wished he hadn’t. It was like stamping on a rock.

“How do we fight confectionary?”

“With fire!” snarled Owen, lighter in one hand, aerosol can in the other. “Melt the suckers!”


The rest of the team armed themselves and went to work, spraying everything that moved with flaming liquid. Soon, floor and shelves were littered with pools of melted chocolate and toffee; nuts and biscuit pieces crunched underfoot as the sought the cause of the mayhem.

Finding it was almost anticlimactic; it looked like nothing more than a gaily-painted Easter egg, but Tosh’s scanner confirmed it as the radiation source.

It exploded in a very satisfying manner when Jack shot it.

“I never want to see another chocolate,” said Gwen, picking peanuts out of her hair.

The others had to agree.

The End


I've given up chocolate for lent. This isn't helping the cravings!

Great fic though! I had to try very hard not to laugh out loud. If I laughed I would have had to explain why I was laughing and what I was reading and why I'm not working! :-)
Oh dear, can't have you getting in trouble for giggling at work!

Blame it on missthingsplace, this would never have been written if not for a comment she made to me after reading 'Mobbed'. This was the result, lol!

Glad you enjoyed it, even though it stirred up chocolate cravings.
Haha, I'm literally snickering here! ;D How do you get ideas like that? Looking forward to Easter already? :D
Good fic! And I can totally imagine what Jack and Ianto did after the mission was accomplished - I mean, with them both covered in chocolate... yum!
The blame for this lies soloely with my friend missthingsplace, whose idle comment about the word 'Snickered' sparked a chocolate flavoured plot bunny. My ideas quite often come from comments, or from mishearing something, or from something I see.

No, not really. I can't eat chocolate (it gives me migraines), but my uncle always gives me a chocolate easter egg which I then have to give to mum so she gets two and I get nothing =(

I'm sure Jack and Ianto cleaned the chocolate off each other later, lol!

Thank you!
Oh right, your chocolate-migraine - I tend to forget I'm not the only one who can't eat chocolate :'D I always feed it to my sister xD
Well, at least chocolate is not the only delicious thing in the world ;)
Sadly, due to chronic stomach problems, there aren't many delicious things that I can eat =(
OMG!!!!! this is fantabulous!!!! I used to live on Snickers bars when I was living in England *g*
I'm sure that Jack and Ianto went back to their ferrety instinct for a while and lick the chocolate off each other!!!!!
awesome, as usual!!!!
I expect they did when no one was looking ;)

Thank you, glad you liked it!

This was fantastic. Being allergic to chocolate, this makes me happy.



Yes, I liked that quite a lot!
LOL! Death to Chocolate!

I'm not really allergic, but I can't eat it because it gives me migraines, so having the team fighting evil chocolate was fun!

Glad you enjoyed it!

Thank you!

Edited at 2014-04-07 07:13 pm (UTC)
Oh, how hilarious! I can't even imagine what that would be like, but I could never give up my chocolate. I think I'd literally die if I ever found out I was allergic to it or couldn't eat it for some other reason. And I'm sure we can all imagine exactly what Jack and Ianto got up to after this situation was handled.
Yeah, there was much licking involved, lol!

Ah, lucky you, I now have chocolate envy, lol! I miss it, but I get more than enough migraines as it is, without adding to them, so no chocolate for me =(

Thank you!
ROTFL!! Jack getting pelted by maltballs and chocolate under revolt!?! I'll think of this when I much on chocolate anything again!

Great drabble and you and missthingsplace have twisted imaginations! :D:D:D
Thank you!

I'm so glad missthingsplace is back writing and commenting again, her imagination sparks ideas for me =D

Chocolate wants revenge for being eaten, lol!
I love chocolate but I still wouldn't want to be attacked by it! This was hilarious! I love all the different bars and how they attacked everyone. Super fun!
Thank you, I had fun deciding which chocolate was attacking which person. It got tired of being eaten by humans and wanted revenge, lol!

The way I eat chocolate I can believe it! Even though I tell it how much I love it while I'm eating it :)
I'm sure the chocolate appreciates that ;)
Hmm... wonder if that egg came from Willy Wonka's factory? *giggles*
Could be! Then again, it could have been a probe sent out by a chocolate-based life-form, lol!

Thank you!

I too have problems with chocolate. The cocoa butter substitute that's in a lot of chocolates these days gives me migraines too, so I have to be careful. BURN ALL THE BAD CHOCOLATE!! MWAH HA HA!!
Chocolate is EVIL! *giggles*

Is there any chocolate that is SAFE to eat?

Thank you!
Ianto is what chocolate was made for =)

Chocolate coated Ianto is one of Jack's favourite things!

Thank you! Happy daydreams ;)
“The chocolate is revolting!” OMW I nearly fell of my chair I was laughing so hard.

this was brilliant! At least the Mistrels didnt start singing LOL.
They were too busy attacking to break into show tunes, sadly, lol!

Thank you! Hope you didn't hurt yourself!
have you had an upset stomach? unless it is missthingsplace.
Fortunately, I do not eat too much chocolate, so I'm not disgusted by the overdose of your story.
I have stomach problems all the time. I also can't eat chocolate at all, it gives me migraines, but missthingsplace made a comment about me using the word 'sniggered' which she prefers to the American version 'snickered', because that makes her think of someone being attacked by a Snickers bar (a kind of chocolate bar both here in England and in America). Naturally, my warped imagination couldn't resist the idea and this is the result. Sometimes I worry about my brain, lol!