badly_knitted (badly_knitted) wrote,

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Ficlet: Giving The Talk

Title: Giving The Talk

Author: badly_knitted

Characters: Jack, Nosy, Ianto

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: Nada.

Summary: After he and Ianto are interrupted while having sex, Jack finds himself having to explain the facts of life to someone.

Word Count: 541

Written For: juliet316’s prompt ‘Torchwood, Jack/author's choice, sex talk,’ at [community profile] fic_promptly.

Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood, or the characters. They belong to the BBC.

Jack sighed. He’d done the sex talk before, but never quite like this.

“Look, it’s different for humans than it is for you. For a start, we have two different genders instead of just one. We have males and females. Men, like me and Ianto, and women, like Tosh and Gwen. Most of the time, to have a baby, you need one of each, but I’m from far in the future where men can have babies too. With me so far?”


“Okay, good. Now, sometimes men and women fall in love with each other, like Owen and Tosh, but sometimes men fall in love with other men, or women fall in love with other women. Now, on earth, it’s the women who have the babies, but to make a baby, you need genetic material from both genders, which means if two women want to have a baby together, they have to get a contribution from a man, but most of the time if two men want a baby together they have to ask a woman to have it for them. Got that?”


“Now, to make babies, most people have sex, which is what Ianto and I were doing when you interrupted us. The door was shut for a reason. It’s bad manners to just barge in like that, you completely put Ianto off his stride, poking your nose where you did,” Jack chided. “You almost scared the life out of him.”

The subject of his lecture looked suitably contrite.

“But because sex is very enjoyable, people do it even when they don’t want to have a baby. We have ways of not having babies until we want them, just as you do, although our methods don’t always work. Sometimes people find themselves expecting… um… unexpectedly. Like Gwen, she wasn’t planning on having a baby yet, but it happened and she’s happy about it. Mostly. It was a bit of a shock at first, but now she’s got used to the idea she’s looking forward to being a mum.”


“That’s a female parent.”


“Anyway, the point is, if the door is shut and there are moans and groans and other weird noises coming from the other side, you don’t just let yourself in. You either knock on the door and wait to be invited in, or go away and come back later when the door is open. Alright?”


“Good. Now, I’m going back in there and closing the door, and you’re staying out here. No more interruptions.” Jack went back into his office and closed the door firmly behind him.

“How’d it go?” Ianto had pulled his trousers up but left his shirt off. He still looked a little wild eyed from the shock though.

“Okay, I think.” Jack pulled Ianto into his arms. “Are you alright?”

“Mostly. Disconcerted and somewhat embarrassed, not to mention startled, but I’ll live. There are some things you really don’t want to experience when you’re having sex though. Such as having something furry bite you on the arse.”

“Nosy probably thought you were hurting me.”

“Understandable mistake really, considering how loud you are sometimes.”

“I suppose. I just never thought I’d have to explain the facts of life to a Fluff.”

The End

Tags: fic, fic: one-shot, fic: pg-13, fic_promptly, ficlet, humour, ianto jones, jack harkness, jack/ianto, nosy, nosy-verse, torchwood fic

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