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Ianto Little Smile

August 2019



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Ficlet: Giving The Talk

Title: Giving The Talk

Author: badly_knitted

Characters: Jack, Nosy, Ianto

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: Nada.

Summary: After he and Ianto are interrupted while having sex, Jack finds himself having to explain the facts of life to someone.

Word Count: 541

Written For: juliet316’s prompt ‘Torchwood, Jack/author's choice, sex talk,’ at [community profile] fic_promptly.

Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood, or the characters. They belong to the BBC.

Jack sighed. He’d done the sex talk before, but never quite like this.

“Look, it’s different for humans than it is for you. For a start, we have two different genders instead of just one. We have males and females. Men, like me and Ianto, and women, like Tosh and Gwen. Most of the time, to have a baby, you need one of each, but I’m from far in the future where men can have babies too. With me so far?”


“Okay, good. Now, sometimes men and women fall in love with each other, like Owen and Tosh, but sometimes men fall in love with other men, or women fall in love with other women. Now, on earth, it’s the women who have the babies, but to make a baby, you need genetic material from both genders, which means if two women want to have a baby together, they have to get a contribution from a man, but most of the time if two men want a baby together they have to ask a woman to have it for them. Got that?”


“Now, to make babies, most people have sex, which is what Ianto and I were doing when you interrupted us. The door was shut for a reason. It’s bad manners to just barge in like that, you completely put Ianto off his stride, poking your nose where you did,” Jack chided. “You almost scared the life out of him.”

The subject of his lecture looked suitably contrite.

“But because sex is very enjoyable, people do it even when they don’t want to have a baby. We have ways of not having babies until we want them, just as you do, although our methods don’t always work. Sometimes people find themselves expecting… um… unexpectedly. Like Gwen, she wasn’t planning on having a baby yet, but it happened and she’s happy about it. Mostly. It was a bit of a shock at first, but now she’s got used to the idea she’s looking forward to being a mum.”


“That’s a female parent.”


“Anyway, the point is, if the door is shut and there are moans and groans and other weird noises coming from the other side, you don’t just let yourself in. You either knock on the door and wait to be invited in, or go away and come back later when the door is open. Alright?”


“Good. Now, I’m going back in there and closing the door, and you’re staying out here. No more interruptions.” Jack went back into his office and closed the door firmly behind him.

“How’d it go?” Ianto had pulled his trousers up but left his shirt off. He still looked a little wild eyed from the shock though.

“Okay, I think.” Jack pulled Ianto into his arms. “Are you alright?”

“Mostly. Disconcerted and somewhat embarrassed, not to mention startled, but I’ll live. There are some things you really don’t want to experience when you’re having sex though. Such as having something furry bite you on the arse.”

“Nosy probably thought you were hurting me.”

“Understandable mistake really, considering how loud you are sometimes.”

“I suppose. I just never thought I’d have to explain the facts of life to a Fluff.”

The End


OMG! that was just a thorough explanation! I'm sure that Nosy understood Jack loud and clear and obviously he is going to apologize to Ianto as soon as the door is open again!
Lovely! I could "see" Nosy nodding at Jack's statements.
Nosy understands the human language by now and can make it clear when it doesn't quite understand something, lol! Jack found the whole experience bizarre. Ianto is slightly traumatised. An apology would be appreciated. ;)

Thank you!
They grow up so fast! Seems like only yesterday Nosy arrived and now...

I'm sure Nosy understands when and why it should knock on a closed door that has sounds comes from behind it ^_^
Well, it does NOW, lol! It won't make that mistake again. It's a very sheepish Fluff and will apologise to Ianto. Later.

Thank you!
Thats one interesting talk to have to have lol

Great ficlet.
Jack found it rather strange, but Nosy at least seemed to understand most of it. I think Ianto will get an apology later ;)

Thank you!
Ooops, sorry ;)

Nosy is learning quite a lot, but it's all necessary information, lol!

Thank you!

This was SO cute :)
*grins* Thank you! Glad you liked it =)

Even Fluffs make mistakes ;)
Poor Nosy didn't mean any harm. Trying to protect Jack. Not a mistake it'll repeat. I'm sure Ianto will be forgiving when Nosy apologises. Anyway, who wouldn't want to bite Ianto's bum?[Gently, of course.]

Edited at 2016-04-30 09:20 am (UTC)
It was more the unexpectedness than the pain which unnerved Ianto, so I'm sure he'll accept Nosy's apology. It probably didn't even realise Ianto was the one doing the 'attacking' until after it took a nip. Luckily, Nosy's teeth are small and blunt so it didn't do any damage ;)

Thank you!
*giggles madly* poor Ianto. Hope Nosy didn't bite too hard.
Nosy only has small, blunt teeth, so the worst it can do is give a bit of a nip. Ianto's arse remains mostly unblemished and I'm sure Jack will kiss it better anyway ;)

He was more startled than hurt though, and I imagine Nosy is thoroughly ashamed of itself for biting one of its favourite humans. It didn't recognise him from that angle, lol!

Thank you!
I'm quite sure that Nosy will knock before entering any room for a long while. Poor thing. It's hard to be a Fluff amongst humans. *giggles*
It really is, Nosy has so many adjustments to make and so much to learn. It's trying though.
LMAO! This is great.
Thank you! It's a little mean to poor Ianto, but it was only a little nip on the butt, mostly he was just badly startled. He'll be fine, Jack will kiss it better ;)
or object lesson explained to an alien ...
Storks and cabbage ?, bees and flowers?
Jack says well, he's ready for his children.

I love your dialogue between Jack and Nosy, it is beautiful! I totally understand the answers Nosy.

Ianto bitten !!!! ??????

poor Ianto.
They will now key to close, at least if they take the time to think about it!

Jack is lucky: Nosy defends against Ianto!...
It was only a little nip, no real damage, more startling than anything, lol! Ianto will be fine; Nosy just didn't recognise Ianto from that angle.

Nosy and Jack understand each other. Mostly.

Thank you!