Characters: Ianto, Jack
Spoilers: Not really, brief allusion to TYTNW.
Summary: Ianto is rather taken aback when Jack shows up in the tourist office.
Word Count: 665
Written For: jujitsuelf’s prompt ‘Any - any - "where the hell did you get that?!",’ at fic_promptly.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood, or the characters. They belong to the BBC.
Ianto looked up with a smile as Jack came into the tourist office, before turning back to his computer screen. He had a lot of work to get done. Then his brain belatedly registered what his eyes had just seen and he spun around so fast he almost fell off his chair.
“On my God, Jack! Where the hell did you get that?!”
“Get what?” Jack asked blithely.
“That… that… thing!”
“This?” Jack waved what he was holding.
“Yes, that would be the thing I’m talking about. You can’t just wander in here with a thing like that! What if a tourist comes in and sees it?”
“How often do tourists actually do that? Once a month?”
“More often than that, but that isn’t the point, is it? That…” Ianto pointed at the object Jack was holding. “That is the point. It’s obscene!” He couldn’t take his eyes off it though. There was something almost hypnotically fascinating about the way it pulsated and the wiggly bits moved, almost as if it was alive.
“Never thought you were a prude.” Jack sounded disappointed.
“I’m not, but… What is it? And where did you find it? That has got to be alien.”
“It is, but it’s mine. I was sorting out some of the junk in my bunker; it’s getting a bit cramped down there so I thought I’d store the stuff I’m not using down in one of the archive rooms you cleared out. I forgot I had it; I bought it way back when I was still travelling with the Doctor and Rose. When I left the TARDIS after the Year, I brought a boxful of the stuff from my old room with me, but I haven’t got around to sorting through it until now. Imagine my surprise when I found this!” Jack held the wiggly object out to Ianto. “Isn’t it great?”
Ianto blinked and recoiled slightly. “I’m assuming it is what I think it is.”
“That depends on whether or not you think it’s an alien sex toy.”
“It certainly looks like one. You know, the general shape. But the wiggly bits…”
“Oh, trust me, you are gonna love the wiggly bits! They’re the best thing about it. How about me and my little friend here come over to your place tonight? I promise you won’t be disappointed. I never have been.”
Ianto raised an eyebrow. “You sound very sure of your… friend’s abilities. And for the record, in no way can that be described as little.”
“So, interested?” Jack grinned. “C’mon, I know you want to try it.”
“Oh fine, why not? But that better be as good as you claim, otherwise it goes back in its box and stays there. Now take it downstairs and put it away until tonight.”
“Yes sir!” Jack saluted. With the sex toy.
Ianto rolled his eyes. “Twpsyn!”
As Jack turned away to go back down to the Hub, Ianto called him back. “Oh, Jack?”
“It’s not actually… alive, is it?”
“What? No, of course not. It’s been shut in a box for well over a century, if it was alive it would be dead by now.”
Ianto scratched his head, trying to wrap his brain around Jack’s addled logic. “Okay, good. Just checking. Not quite sure how I’d feel about having living alien wiggly bits in intimate places.”
“You don’t have to worry about that, although you really don’t know what you’re missing. You haven’t lived until you’ve tried tentacle sex.”
“I’ll take your word for it,” Ianto said dryly.
“Suit yourself. This thing’s just quasi-organic technology, that’s all.”
“Quasi-organic? No, forget I asked. Right. Fine. I think. Until tonight then.”
“Until tonight.” Jack leered, winked, and left.
Ianto shook his head. How did he let himself get talked into these things? And why? Okay, he knew why; Jack had completely corrupted him. He thought about the wiggly bits and smiled.
No doubt about it, tonight was going to be an interesting experience.